This blog will more reflect a prayer diary or spiritual journaling than what I typically mean for this blog to be like. I say this without apology because...well...its my blog. I give the forewarning because many will likely not have any interest to read such a thing and I am giving you the chance to move on and not bother with this post. With that said...
I feel a strong need to put to writing some things of which God has completely convinced me. This is all really things I have learned from the way God has dealt with me with regards to some very special times in my life. The truth is that they are very rare, yet at this very moment I must confess that they are as often as I want them to be. These are times when God seems to draw near to me, to lay his hand upon my mind, to pull scales from my eyes and give me deep drinks of him. I do not mean to say that I have some irregular spiritual revelation or experience. I mean to say that at times God simply removes the dullness that is in my mind. He allows me to see deep connections in scripture. He grants for me to appreciate the glory of Christ in ways I normally am unable. He permits me to see the radical life changing relevance in passages of scripture which I normally would pass over without much thought. Again, I do not suggest any special revelation. I merely mean to say that at individual moments of my life he grants me to see scripture the way I ought to see it everyday of my life. He grants me to value it the way I always should.
There is nothing better than these times. Family is not better. Food is not better. Sex is not better. Entertainment is not better. Nothing can compare. I do not merely suggest that these times can bring more joy than these other things. I'm not saying that these things are just quantitatively better. The truth is that these times of blessings from God are good in a way the other things can't claim to in any degree. They give life and joy to my soul in places no other thing can touch. They are qualitatively different. To many all that I have said here will sound boastful, arrogant, as if I am laying claim to some superiority. The truth is that it is the opposite. I must confess before God that I live 99% of my life in a shameful daze in which I am in no way appropriately awed by God. All the beauty, joy, and fulfillment that I could ever want is right there and I simply will not look up because some trinket has my affections. And tomorrow it will be a new trinket. I am utterly convinced that I will continue to fall short in this. I only pray and strive that it will be less often.
Now that I have explained the topic, I want to make two confessions regarding it. First, reflecting upon my life demands that I confess that God has always, always been willing. His constancy is more than the word "willing" can capture. I want to describe it as faithful, yet I do not want to imply that he owes me any of this. What I mean to say is that I have never fully sought him that one of these times has not swiftly come. There majority of my life has been a story of him having some portion of my heart, and the end result being that I have not experienced one of these times of joyful refreshment in him. There has been times in which he has had 99% of my heart and these times have been nonexistent. But never has there been a time in which he has had the entirety of my heart seeking and longing for him in which such a time has failed to come quickly. I have had to wait a few days before, but as certain as the dawn it comes. I do not reject the notion that a time will come in my life that in his infinite wisdom and love he will see fit to let me wait even weeks for such a time of blessing while I seek him, so that he may cause me to value it all the more. But I do not believe he will ever not come. He is constant. To those who seek him with all of their heart, he will allow himself to be found. This is my first confession. I have read the truth of this in scripture, but now I am compelled to declare that I have seen it with my eyes. God is willing to be found by those who seek him with their whole heart.
My second confession regards how these times, without a single exception, have always ended. The truth is that I have always willfully chosen for them to end. During these times I believe I am more alive than any other moments in my life. They are exhausting. Part of me wishes that I could live in a constant state like this. I wish that every moment was dripping with God. My heart soars. My faith surges. My mind races, digs, probes, embraces, rejoices, savors, exalts....and it is exhausting. Hours upon hours of it. I love it...and I must kill it. Sometimes it is very deliberate. Once I laid in bed at three a.m. crying out to God, "Enough! I must sleep. Don't give me anymore." Other times it is more subconscious. I must give my mind something "less" to hold onto so that it may rest. I turn on the television so that I can give it something other than the infiniteness goodness that God would gladly keep pouring out. When the television is turned off it is gone. I have gotten my wish. Something other than God. I weep that I am so weak. I curse the flesh that holds me back from what my soul would have unendingly. But this is how it always, always ends. I choose for it to go away.
Though I deeply regret my weakness and long for the day which God will give me a body able to endure him better, I cherish what this has taught me concerning God. God is far more willing to give of himself than we are able to receive. I ponder that...would I dare change it? Would I want a God so small that I could handle his fullness? I do not want a God so small that I could drink him to his depths. I do not want to be a bigger cup than he is capable of filling. How beautiful and how wonderful is this truth. I know that every time I come to drink from this well, the well will out last me. It will exhaust me. It is infinite. It is glorious. And he does not hold himself back. Whoever will, come, drink. I hate my inability and frailty, I love his unsearchable and inexhaustible goodness that demands I fall short of seeing the bottom of it. I have read it in scripture but now I am compelled to confess that I have seen it with my eyes.
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